It's ok because we were young and in love and we survived Iraq so why couldn't we have beat these odds.

I have so much to do, so much
to feel and say and think, so
much to accomplish to be
so able to hold my head up that I
cry because I know you won't be there and that I
have failed in a way because we have
failed
so much.

So much of this I can say I
don't think so much of this is
my fault but every decision I make
is
my choice and I know so much of this
path we are on is because we both put
so many feet in front of the other and
walked
so much.

So some days now are much too much to
be alone in and some days are much to
good to not share with you but so much
now I realize I held on to much of just
the idea of you and I and the idea of
doing everything "perfect" but, it doesn't work
like that,
so much.

no, not so much.

This is my Weapon, This is my Gun, This is my Daughter, So we Keep Moving On...

I wasn't able to attend the Warrior Writers retreat earlier this year due to various obligations and I haven't posted on here for a while, so I thought I'd choose a topic from the retreat and slowly get back into posting on here. This is the topic:

What was your relationship to your weapon? Did you love it, hate it, feel safer with it? feel scary with it? Did you use it as a hat rack, as a weapon, as a security blanket. Was it an M-16, SAW, 9-mil? or what?

Tell us about you and your weapon. What kind of weapons do you use now

?

In Field exercises the M-16 went into my sleeping bag with me and I cuddled with it because it was all i had. I'm not sure why but a fire arm has always made me feel safe. I was in jROTC in high school and shot bolt action .22s competitively, so that led to familiarity. Familiarity is interesting -- with my weapon, it didn't lead to contempt. It didn't lead to loving it, or hating it. No hat rack M-16, no neglected dust gatherer, either. No superior performance with it, no poor performance -- always in the middle.

It didn't make me feel tougher, either.

I always wanted to carry a handgun. I read a lot of true crime, I what the news and read the police blotter, and I know that those self-defense classes at the Y aren't really going to help me overcome someone who surprises me and is bigger and stronger than I. I always wanted to be able to defend myself with any necessary means.

I'm a survivor, and a weapon, an M-16 that I lugged around Iraq with me and never once fired, was just another thing I had.

I've been out for several years now, and I've gone back and forth on the issue of purchasing a handgun or putting together a rifle or purchasing a shotgun, even. It is really not foremost in my mind now. I have a daughter. I'm getting a divorce. I'm a full-time student with barely a part time job. I'm 24 and just moved back in with my parents. The positive side? Rent free, among other things. Reconnecting with my family after so many years being gone and missing so much of my little brother's lives (they were all grown up by the time I got out of the army, practically).

My current weapon? My weapons...? My mind, my heart, my soul, my cliches. The power I hold in my feminine amazonian spirit, the love of my daughter, the width of my hips and depth of my heart.
My goals that I mold and move forward on. My intelligence which is not diminished by my gender, my age, or my poverty. My semi-ability to appreciate good and bad situations for the experiential living they provide instead of wallowing in the bitterness they suggest. My weapons are not of flesh and blood but of passion and strength. The M-16 I sleep with now is comfort in the knowledge that I will always carry on.

My Fun-a-days

I decided I would write a haiku for each of my Warrior Writers throughout the days of this month. Here are the first few, I will add others as comments to this post.
Peace

Inspired and refreshed
My family teaches me well
Strength to stay in it


Lovella

Small but mighty love
You're bringing us together
Rest from job well done


Amber

New ideas fly round
We are action potential
One step at a time


JT

Trying to know you
I saw darkness through your eyes
Now warmth radiates

3 haiku for you

February 28, 2010

more quiet home now

you all drive the hours home

friend: you are my home

March 1, 2010

It is Monday now

kinda quiet around here

far away but close

March 2, 2010

more couch time today

my body is still aching

might rain; I'll stay dry

-LC

(send yours!! - FUN-A-DAY....artclash.com)

reflections on our retreat

The Winter Wellness Retreat 2010

hey my loves,

i ran out of most of my words by sunday morning

so i spoke

silently, quietly, sarcastically

less

and

i watched and was amazed

and proud

our next steps

a day of rest

either outside

or on the couch

seriously

legs up, body sore, dirty or clean

we rest

we laugh

we tell stories

we listen

we reflect

i love you

my brothers

my sisters

friends

community

-LC

Letter. Sat. pm exercise 2

Letters can be a really powerful tool for expression, especially if they wont be sent. Write a letter.....

-To yourself ten years from now.
-To yourself before you joined the military.
-To your family as if you were still in or deployed.
-To an Iraqi or Afghan
-To anyone you want.

Post your letter or something that came from it.

Post post post.

How / Why I joined the Military Sat. pm exercise 1

Think back to when you joined the Military. What kind of person were you? What did you care about? How have you changed? Write a story about joining the service.

Free-write for five minutes.

Post your free-write or something that came from it.

Write and post!