Monday, March 29, 2010

The Myth Makers

This is a little bit of the story of why I joined the military, which was the topic we Warrior Writers in Chicago decided to get into last time we met.

The myth makers do their work in the bright light of day like
Thieves creeping about in the darkness of our development
To rob us of our ability to question and
They show up in schools and cartoons and books and on waves that fly invisibly
Across the air and into our skin to tell us
Things that eventually make us want to kill

The myth makers stand us in groups as 6-year-old children
Who don’t know what “allegiance” means and make us pledge it
To a flag worthy and deserving of a proper burial while telling us
Our human classmates sometimes deserve a good punch in the nose
Instead of being taught

The myth makers are sure there is never enough time in the school year
To learn about our fathers’ war in Vietnam and
Only half the story of our grandfathers’ war in Europe and Japan
And not about the screams and why our fathers never want to talk
About their war in Vietnam and our grandfathers remain
Silent on their war in Europe and Japan

I wish I had listened more closely to my silent grandfather

Monday, March 22, 2010

some things never change, you know.

"7 years.
broken engagement,
basic training,
pending divorce,
heart ache upon heart ache upon heart ache
it is so hard
to put 7 years into a thought let
alone these 24 and some change..."

Thoughts spill from my head with no degree of coherency. Lately I can't remember things I just said, what I am supposed to do, or what I am doing. Anger seems to come easy, though -- anger and pain. Anger at...
Lies from politicians.
Accepting to live in a framework of these lies by my fellow Americans.
The Orphans in the middle-east thanks to work we have done.
The occupation of Palestine,
how we support Israel's genocide.
Anger at my failed marriage,
Anger at being a single mom now,
Anger at making certain choices (but no regret) and
Anger at being forced into making certain choices.



I went to Basic Training in 2004 for my own selfish reasons, not because i even bought into the "reasoning" for the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan. I just didn't care.

I care now.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Reflecting on seven years.

Looking back on the Anniversary of the War in Iraq conjures up a lot of strong emotions; anger that it has continued so long, disappointed in the results of war we took part in, guilt that so much time has passed that even we think of it less, or maybe you don't think of it less and today those wounds feel as fresh as the day you were there.

Whatever your feeling about the seven years that have come and gone write about it.
Write about what has changed,
What hasn't changed,
What you think, worry, or wonder about.

Friends, write and share. Love and miss you all,


Friday, March 19, 2010

It's ok because we were young and in love and we survived Iraq so why couldn't we have beat these odds.

I have so much to do, so much
to feel and say and think, so
much to accomplish to be
so able to hold my head up that I
cry because I know you won't be there and that I
have failed in a way because we have
so much.

So much of this I can say I
don't think so much of this is
my fault but every decision I make
my choice and I know so much of this
path we are on is because we both put
so many feet in front of the other and
so much.

So some days now are much too much to
be alone in and some days are much to
good to not share with you but so much
now I realize I held on to much of just
the idea of you and I and the idea of
doing everything "perfect" but, it doesn't work
like that,
so much.

no, not so much.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

This is my Weapon, This is my Gun, This is my Daughter, So we Keep Moving On...

I wasn't able to attend the Warrior Writers retreat earlier this year due to various obligations and I haven't posted on here for a while, so I thought I'd choose a topic from the retreat and slowly get back into posting on here. This is the topic:

What was your relationship to your weapon? Did you love it, hate it, feel safer with it? feel scary with it? Did you use it as a hat rack, as a weapon, as a security blanket. Was it an M-16, SAW, 9-mil? or what?

Tell us about you and your weapon. What kind of weapons do you use now

In Field exercises the M-16 went into my sleeping bag with me and I cuddled with it because it was all i had. I'm not sure why but a fire arm has always made me feel safe. I was in jROTC in high school and shot bolt action .22s competitively, so that led to familiarity. Familiarity is interesting -- with my weapon, it didn't lead to contempt. It didn't lead to loving it, or hating it. No hat rack M-16, no neglected dust gatherer, either. No superior performance with it, no poor performance -- always in the middle.

It didn't make me feel tougher, either.

I always wanted to carry a handgun. I read a lot of true crime, I what the news and read the police blotter, and I know that those self-defense classes at the Y aren't really going to help me overcome someone who surprises me and is bigger and stronger than I. I always wanted to be able to defend myself with any necessary means.

I'm a survivor, and a weapon, an M-16 that I lugged around Iraq with me and never once fired, was just another thing I had.

I've been out for several years now, and I've gone back and forth on the issue of purchasing a handgun or putting together a rifle or purchasing a shotgun, even. It is really not foremost in my mind now. I have a daughter. I'm getting a divorce. I'm a full-time student with barely a part time job. I'm 24 and just moved back in with my parents. The positive side? Rent free, among other things. Reconnecting with my family after so many years being gone and missing so much of my little brother's lives (they were all grown up by the time I got out of the army, practically).

My current weapon? My weapons...? My mind, my heart, my soul, my cliches. The power I hold in my feminine amazonian spirit, the love of my daughter, the width of my hips and depth of my heart.
My goals that I mold and move forward on. My intelligence which is not diminished by my gender, my age, or my poverty. My semi-ability to appreciate good and bad situations for the experiential living they provide instead of wallowing in the bitterness they suggest. My weapons are not of flesh and blood but of passion and strength. The M-16 I sleep with now is comfort in the knowledge that I will always carry on.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

My Fun-a-days

I decided I would write a haiku for each of my Warrior Writers throughout the days of this month. Here are the first few, I will add others as comments to this post.

Inspired and refreshed
My family teaches me well
Strength to stay in it


Small but mighty love
You're bringing us together
Rest from job well done


New ideas fly round
We are action potential
One step at a time


Trying to know you
I saw darkness through your eyes
Now warmth radiates

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

3 haiku for you

February 28, 2010

more quiet home now
you all drive the hours home
friend: you are my home

March 1, 2010

It is Monday now
kinda quiet around here
far away but close

March 2, 2010

more couch time today
my body is still aching
might rain; I'll stay dry


(send yours!! -

Monday, March 1, 2010

reflections on our retreat

The Winter Wellness Retreat 2010

hey my loves,
i ran out of most of my words by sunday morning
so i spoke
silently, quietly, sarcastically
i watched and was amazed
and proud
our next steps
a day of rest
either outside
or on the couch
legs up, body sore, dirty or clean
we rest
we laugh
we tell stories
we listen
we reflect
i love you
my brothers
my sisters